Molesworth on PMQs
It is I Molesworth heer. The scourge of St. Custards and the gorriller of 3b. Thay hav assked yors truly, hem hem, to share my expurtese on politicks with you. So heer goes.
Politicks happen in a big skool hall called parlyment. It is full of boys, and a few gurls, who cleerly should hav left skool many yurs ago but havnt for sum reason. Maybe they just like plaing with the skool pig and getting the KANE a lot. Sum of them are even older than Grimes the headmaster. They mostly smel of dust bins and drink far to much BEER.
Evry da they split into teems. The blew teem is called the Touries. They want people like Grabbers pater to pa less taxis. The red teem is called Laybor and they sa that Grabbers pater ort to pa sum taxis becus he hav plenty of money and woodent miss a bit of it if he did.
There is also sum bloke from Skotland but I can not heer a word he is saing as he speek in Skottish. And sum Librals but they hav not dun much sinse the daze of Ajincort.
The Qeen of Skotland dos not go to the skool becus she is always on the TV.
They hav a beak but he is like one of those stewdent beaks you get who hav no control watsoever ova the klass. He is an absalute gurl and a compleat waste of time.
The Touries are lead by Bowzo who used to be a clown for Chiperfields befor he ran awa from the cirkus. He was probabley better at the da job. They sa that Bowzo hav 57 teenies all ov which are yunger than molesworth 2. I kno not ware he get the energy, deer reeder. The Laybors hav a man called Keer who is qwite sensibel and stuff but do not hav clown shoos, so he do not get two many votes.
Most ov the rest are unremmitingly dull exsept for a gurl called Naydean who drinks even more GIN than MATRON and often fools ova, a bloke called Deadwood who thinks he is a fish and a madman called Wheeze-Mogg who look like Lord Snooty and skip around gurlishly, saing Hullo Clouds! Hullo Sky! ect. ect. like a very old Fotherington-Thomas. That is why I hayt Fotherington-Thomas so much and get Peason to tuogh him up. He wil gro into THAT!
There is also Dyan Abbot who is an IMPOSTER becus a gurl abbot wood be called an abscess, as any fule kno.
The tru nachure ov the horrers that ockur in that skool are two hidyus to reveel but I giv you this pla what was rote by me, the bard of St.Custards, hem, hem:
DRAMATIS PEASONAE
BOWZO — A clown who hav escaped from the cirkus
KEER — A man in a v. nice soot
STEWDENT BEAK — A very bad stewdent beak
SCENE: The skool haul where the teenies are still in asembly even tho it is allready lunchtime.
STEWDENT BEAK: ORDER! ORDER! (it is not skary as wen done by SIGISMUND THE MAD MATHS MASTER. The stewdent beak is a pansy.)
KEER: May I ask the Pry Minister why Grabbers pater hav not paid a penny in taxis sinse 1863?
BOWZO: You, sir, are a cad and a rotter and you hav a nose like a squished tomato!
KEER: You hav not ansered my qwestion, o smelly one.
BOWZO: Your qwestion is a sack of bilge and I will not anser it, you sneak. So there!
KEER: Bowzo’s cheeting Mr Beak, wil you kindly do sumthing to rectiffy this?
BEAK: Eh? Oh, er, play nicely teenies. (He is such a massiv gurl that I am two upset to finnish the pla but that is pritty much what happen sevaral tymes befor sum grubby litle toadie get a go.)
GRUBBY LITLE TOADIE: Ooh! Hullo clouds, Hullo Pry Minister, gosh you look luvvly toda! Yor golden locks doth flow in deliteful kurls and thine breth smell ov peppermince, yore grateness. Wouldst the Pry Minister agree that he is a world-beeting Pry Minister and we are all lucky to hav him?
BOWZO: Yes I am brilliunt and I am not affrayed to go on about it for weaks becus the stewdent beak is a wet and a weed and he wil do no thing to stop me.
And it go on and on like that until its tyme for DRINKS.
It is, deer reeder, a gastly busniss and I do not recomend it to you. It would be nice if Grabbers pater did pa sum taxis but is it reely worth the trubble? It is uterly sordid.
